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Monday, September 26, 2011

he's gone

think happy thoughts.  think happy thoughts.  think hap...

oh forget it.

earlier this morning,once again, the kids and i had to go through another heart wrenching, tear jerking bye to my best friend, my companion, my lover, the father of my children.  once again,  we watched as he walked to the boat, bags in hand, but not before he gave each of us our hugs and kisses.  it's so difficult to let go.  just one last hug, one last kiss... please?  we had to let him walk away eventually.  he took one last look at us, and we got one last wave in before he disappeared... as if the big boat sucked him in.  

then we drove away.  the drive home after those partings are always so hard.  so so hard.  i hate listening to my daughter's sobs and trying to keep the kids from hearing my harsh air intakes while i bawl my eyes out... as quietly as i can.

that went on for about 10 to 15 minutes.  then silence.  silence the rest of the way home.  the radio was too annoying to listen to at that moment.  the boys fell asleep, and i glanced every so often at cici, who was sucking her thumb looking sullenly out the window.

we finally arrive home and i hate that part too.  i hate seeing all the little remnants of him... his towel he used for his shower this morning, some of his dirty laundry, his messed up side of the bed, the cup that he used last night before bed... *sigh*.  once that is all cleaned up, it'll be two months before i see all that again.  two months.

2 days away from him sucks.  2 weeks is already too long.  2 months, i hate.  2 months of barely any communication except through e-mails and a phone call every now and then.  2 months of no intimacy, and i'm not just talking about sex, but affectionate hugs, the hand holding, the kisses, the togetherness.  2 months of watching your kids do new things and growing a little, all the while wishing drew could see it for real, instead of just in pictures.  those 6 month to 1 year+ deployments that other military wives/husbands have to endure... well... those folks are tough, and my heart goes out to them.  i can't imagine.  drew is gone about 6 months out of the year, but they are broken up.  you know what though?  i still hate those "well, at least it's not for a year" remarks.
gone is gone.  no matter how long... it sucks.  unless of course you're the type of person that doesn't mind your spouse being away... maybe even looks forward to it (i know a few who are like that).
eh... whatever floats your boat.  (that's me just being nice and holding my tongue so i don't blurt out something like, "sounds like y'all have a wonderful and enjoyable love-filled marriage.")

so today... today i'm going to be pitiful.  tomorrow i will determine to be stronger, and smile more, at least for my kid's sake.  not so much today though.  today i will pittle pattle around the house with a heavy heart, mechanically change diapers and feed mouths, wear sunglasses wherever i have to go, even inside buildings, so no one has to see my puffy red-rimmed eyes, avoid conversations with people,  and send the kids to bed extra early so i can watch a depressing bbc movie on netflix (only cause i love bbc movies, and most of them are depressing), while i eat lots of chocolate.  pathetic, right?

*sigh* Lord, please help me today...


Mom23 said...

I feel awful for you Diana!I have no idea what it is like but I know that I would HATE it.I get pouty if David works a few hours over and I cant wait for him to get home.I know drew will miss a bunch this deployment and I will be thinking of your family:(

shauna said...

I really feel for you and all the military wives whose husbands are sent away with their jobs. I know how hard it is for me when Jeremy is gone a few days. It seriously is like half of you is gone. I hope that time passes quickly for you until he is back home <3

Carrie said...

I was bawling from the first line. I could FEEL exactly what you were feeling every second of your ride home. It hurst so much and it never gets any easier does it? The insensitive remarks (at least its not a year) are only meant to help the one saying them win a competition you don't want to win anyway. I know you'll gladly let them be the biggest martyr.
And besides,when you love the one leaving, 2 months sucks just as bad.
Hang in there's girlie. It'll be over (not) soon enough and you'll have that wonderful, unexplainable homecoming:):):)
You have my prayers,

All Things Beautiful said...

Oh, Diana my heart aches for you. I wish we were closer. You are right gone is gone and some people just don't seem to understand that. Although reading your post made me cry and it is sad I couldn't help but feel a little joy because I can see the love your family has for each other and that is something to be so thankful for. I love that you all are a family that loves being together. You don't see that enough now days. I am praying for you extra hard during this time. If you need to talk or chat, you know how to find me. Love you, girl. Hugs!

The Huffs said...

thanks so much for the encouragement ladies! it's so nice to have uplifting friends!

the first week always seems to be the hardest, but God is seeing us through. it really is like losing half of you=( carrie, you are so right, it doesn't get any easier, as you know.

thanks for your prayers, they are so appreciated, and i'm giving each of you virtual hugs=)

Anonymous said...

Hey girlie, I read this and know exactly what you mean. Everyone says that to me when Jeremy does 6-8 week trips. You kind of want to scream, but you just smile, and say yes I'm so thankful it is but a few weeks, all the while you feel torn inside. Just remember as Carrie said that wonderful, unexplainable homecoming. I am enjoying that myself at the moment, but in the back of mind thinking about how soon the next trip will come. It seems his time home goes by so much more quickly then they time away :( I'm praying for you and those sweet babies. Miss you so much, and can't wait to see you again. BIG HUGS too you!!

Patty Jo said...

Breaks my heart! I can't imagine being apart even on bad days! And with little ones it surely can't make it any easier. Love you and praying for you all!! Miss you sweet friend!